Friday, February 26, 2016

the struggle.

assalamualaikum guys.

my last post was on june 9, 2015. wow that's a long hiatus right? well as u know, i had to sit for a big exams last year which is spm. for that's the reason y i'm on a long hiatus. so oh ya, it's 2016! i'm 18 ady haha *make a fetus face* ok. let's get to the main point y i'm back in blogging. thru all this days, i've been reading almost literally dozens of books, websites, newspapers and even an instagram captions and facebook posts. i get inspired by those bcos i could read and consider other people's opinions and ideas, which is actually brilliant! malaysians actually good in giving opinions and ideas istg. i enjoyed reading every each of those comments on every post. the newest post i've read is from adibah awang's blog. her writing is imperfectly perfect. the post that most interest me was 'the resting btchface'. for that, i'm going to write some of my opinion relating to the post *wow what a long intro*

"hg ni diam sgt la, ckp la sikit"
"u have a mouth or not?"
"muka hg sombong sgt la"

that's what people usually points out to me. i admit, that i've a worst social anxiety disorder. back to when i was 7. i was considered as a less talk child. but not meant that i couldn't talk, i can. but i prefer to remain silent and speak when it's necessary. well said, i'm not friendly. if u don't talk, i won't talk and if u talk, i'll think like 23747929 times of what to answered. and for that, my teacher always pair me up with the most talkative kid. and it's actually a mess. when it comes for us to speak in front of the class, i'll get this 2 sentences to be presented and the rest will be presented by my mate. u see? and i was raised with that way. and then people start asking y my mouth shuts rather than asking about the root of it *pissed*

but not until i've started my first day in highschool. it was 2011. i keep telling myself that i can do it. i can gth out of this bloody circles. i won't know if i didn't try. and since that, i learnt to put away all my freaking jarring and i'd be in sweats all day bcos i'm freaking nervous for my presentation. and i had this stutter habit when i start to speak and actually when i can't hack it bcos i've got bag of nerves *HELP 911* i felt like wanting to jump off a building or bury myself in the ground! *that's just some hyperbola for u to understand my situation in this sort of called nervousness* and i even cried on my first presentation. that's how i struggle. the struggle is real, guys. tough one ✊

that's the first point. and the second point is, about my face. referred to what adibah awang says in her post;

"why was this question even relevant? what does a face (my face) have to do with anything? i still get these kinds of comments and remarks about my face, being lifeless or uninterested and people would tell me that they had a hard time talking to me because i look a bit bitchy. but thats just my face. i was born with this face, the first thing my mother saw when she gave birth to me was probably the same face and i am beyond happy that she didnt give up on me simply because my face made her uncomfortable. and it's not like i don't smile at all. i do, and i get that it may be my fault for not smiling but the sad truth is, sometimes even when i am smiling (or when i think im smiling) its not a good enough smile. its more like a smirk, if you must."

*i felt like hugging her bcos she pour all of my thoughts into words* and seriously? i live with this face. it's not that i'm acting arrogant for u. i ain't got no time for that. for me to have this 'bitchy face' and i'm worst in being friendly makes my life even more miserable. how did i overcome that?

a lot of people have been asking me;
"u used to be a less talk child but now u r shining brighter than others. how u did it?"

easy, don't give up and try harder. i insouciant if people keep calling me a hypocrite for being friendly with stranger. seriously, tak tanya pun ok? and oh in school, i get involved with forums, nasyid, debates and all. theres one time when i was practicing with my forums team. and twas on the stage, and people was looking. i get nervous and forgot all my lines haha. but alhamdulillah, i made it the creme de la creme on the competition day and i didn't imagined that i'll be that fluent. and most importantly, i'm not stuttered at all. i may not be as fluent as our asian best debater, syed saddiq or as amazing as our sister from bachelor of laws UM, aisyah shakirah. but at least i tried. being a girl who have had social anxiety, i struggled a lot. i support all those readers who had a social anxiety disorder, to wake up and get ur ass off from ur safe zone.
that's for my 1 am thoughts. i'm not sure of how much of a help this post can be for u. but i hope that it does, in any way possible. have a nice day ahead!

love, dyfz.

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